shoot me dead.

enought of the fucking risk.

he doesn’t think i can be serious.

Life is a constantly morphing thing. Just when you think you know where it’s all headed you wake up the next morning to a completely different view. The landscape has changed along with the seasons, but the trees are the same trees, only your view has changed. So you try to cling to the old things that used to comfort you, clinging to the familiar, but they provide little or no solace. The fears do not subside. At this point we have no choice but to surrender to the unknown.that is where the real beauty lies.It is not in the knowing, the familiar, the expected. But in the embracing of the unknown. a willingness to walk down a new path and to trust that everything is as it should be. perfect. as it is.Schopenhauer said,”When you look back on your life, it looks as though it were a plot, but when you are into it, it’s a mess: just one surprise after another. Then, later, you see it was perfect.”Sometimes there are little glimpses of the perfection, amidst the mess. It is at those times we feel blessed beyond measure.

I Love You. and the questions that comes along with it.

The “I Love You”

self Q&A.

When did you say it? Days ago.

Did you mean it? yes, i did.

Why did you say it? because i finally found the guts, and that’s how i feel. supporting reason : based on experience, i have always chickened to say that overrated phrase. i find it corny. i find it senseless when infact i can show it through my actions. but that belief left me hanging. it made me fight for a loosing battle. and i wouldn’t want that thing to happen over again.

So this was the first time you ever said that to a guy with the whole meaning of it? yes.

Why do you love the person? i do not know. there are no reasons for loving. like what my lola once said, ” y’know when you love the person, specially when you can’t find any reason why. “ when lola Cristita told me that, i was like,” no, there must be a reason for loving, it must be that the boy is handsome, or rich, or nice, or tall, or would give me candies everyday, or share his snacks with me during recess time. maybe like lolo izhou. “, i was 8 years old back when she told me that, but now that i am 24, i realized she was truely right. you won’t know why. or maybe you’ll just figure it out as you two mingle. i really don’t know.

How did you say it? thru SMS.

Were you scared? No. It came out. finally, i have learned to not chicken out.

How did the recepient take it? nakuyawan daw. i can’t write that in english, it might give a new meaning. so there, nakuyawan.

How did you find it? honestly? i don’t know. how could he be kuyawan? i’m sure he saw it coming.

So what’s the score? This is definitely not a game. no scoring.

What’s the importance of the act of saying it? Look, he has to know. so we’ll see it from there. it might have been the first time i said it, it felt good, if he reciprocates, then maybe this will grow better. if not, then i have been honest enough, and it wouldn’t be my loss, coz i have been true. there will be two different stories for each side of the comeback

What urged you to say it? I have been trying to see what lies behind all these. and it has been blurry. like in a card game, say electronic or not, you will have to lay your cards so your opponents flash their cards as well, and then the game ends, you lose or you win. but in this case, it’s not winning or loosing, it is figuring out which direction to take. the right or the left. both directions, different risks. I was urged more, because i realized that prolonging the situation will not help at all. it must be a jump-and-risk-now-and-see-the-progress from there. not a just-chill-hang-in-to-these-for-now and entertain problems when it’s all too complicate already kinna thing.

In risking, that goes with alot of responsibilities, did you know that? i’ve sorted that out even before i said I love You. I wouldn’t go to a war with nothing. so it is handy.

So what happens when everything falls the way you want it? It will be best.

What if doesn’t? read line number 3 of the answer to the question What’s the importance of the act of saying it?.

Does quitting cigarettes one of your Risks List, if ever? Oh, that’s too minimal.

What is the difference of now and whatever happens next? It’s totally different you wouldn’t want me to explain.

early morning tomato event.

I attended Eng and Baba’s annual birthday bash last friday, and it was a blast.

I was supposed to meet up with some friend but i din’t make it there, because i was at Moons during dinner after being with my father and cousins. Why i opted to go to Eng’s and not meet up with the other friends was beyond them, but you don’t really wanna argue with me. spell C H O I C E. I told OTL i was busy for the night, so he asked if he could abuse his freedom to text me instead. and I couldn’t refuse. I even offered to reply when i can. 

So there, i did go. and i was in my beige top and Levi’s jeans and in stillettos. but before the event i was thinking i would go there decked out in a blond wig and striped prison uniform, with a stuffed Chihuahua — Prison Paris and or i wanted some old school and dressed up like Carrie — long, blond wig, vintage pink prom gown, and lots of fake blood. Man that stuff is sticky. and it is so past halloween. a loser-about-to-die in the making with that. 

I saw, ofcourse Laurinda as i  walked up the stairs going to the door. She hugged me as i greeted her, in teary eye [that's exag] and a li’l chizmax after the warm besos and she shook her head. Eng looked really great in her dress and i couldn’t say more. and her make up? Baba could be someone and something for that. They we’re pretty.

“You look good, and the tummy, good work-out you got to get rid of it,” someone said shaking his head.

“yeah, i’m into alot of this-and-that excersice [and sexcercise thing rolled into my mind], but it’s not enough yet, so i jumped into my binder! “ I said.

No sooner were the words out of my mouth than the waiter walked up and served the beer. everyone got some, while I tried not to get too excited. [drinking with the bosses! i was thinking.. y'know, most of'em in our table was in authority, sups and jan ranny]

and pictures were everywhere with the birthdayer/s..

Games were in,too, but i was downstairs doing the usual after-eating habit, dragon moves, with Yana. I din’t get the gold chance of sitting into Patrick B.’s lap for some gaming. it could’ve been officially my favorite part. but well, evreything went to be my fave as far as the event was concerned.

The night hours passed and we found ourselves watching the DJ area at loft, there were two girls grooving their asses out with the music, one even tried to fix her undies not knowing we were focusing on her like she was in some pay-per-view drama. we broke into laughter, beer and beer and beer. 

We called it a night only after 3 a.m.ish. with all the disco. we were ready to jump into slumber and relaxxx..

I was on the cab with Paulie [whom we saw at Loft] and Jon G.

we went on the same cab since we’re going the same way, we couldn’t be any stupid to go with someone directing to the opposite way right? haha, i mean, yes, i know y’know.

So we dropped off Paulie first, then Jon chilled a bit at my place, since he still have enough time to spare waiting for his gf to log off work. so there, i hopped into a simple top [description of the simple top : it's like a bit loose of a corsette with a long lace entwined in dramatic loop holes, and the lace, mind you, is silk] and on jeans and slippers, no more stilletos for the late night slash very early morning event. yes, believe it or not, Ripley’s [like i said] was still on queue for our-time-together. and was i late, a day late. hehe.

He was already in the food chain where we agreed to meet up at. when i got there, i got myself a soda, to atleast dilute the liquor routing my veins in all directions, feet to brain, clashing like a crazy river. so yes, i was tipsy. but i managed it. no guy would want to hang out with a girl looking like she’s about to puke in two blinks.

we had our usual out of this world conversations.

and then finally, off to our Out Of This World department. y’know. we’re grwon ups now people!

then, Red became the color of the night.

so what does red stands for?

*hit me with tomatoes now*

 got the clue? if not, then you’re bobo. loser.

for him.

For someone who might have thought he is nothing to me :

You. Make. Me. Happy.

in our complicated individual lives, i find simplicity when i’m with you,

i hope you feel that, too.

I feel you. every now and then.

someone said i might be inlove.

i can’t say really. you confuse me.

but yes, i am involved. with you.

♥,

Gabriella.

Maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down and sometimes, they get you so high.

so high.

Mr. Big and Aidan?

Last night was supposed to be my much-anticipated Sleep-After-Shift epish with my pillows and the airnook. Only, Bai called and we started talking. His timing sucks,with all the melancholic-blowing-me-out-of-my-mind sitch i am currently having, i just need a break sana. I mean y’know, i’m totally totally stressed, sick, confused and more of the likes. Two of them bothers me. If this was Sex and the City, they’d be casted like Mr. Big and Aidan. and – If they make a habit of it, though, they’re out. I have a new zero-tolerance policy for flaky men, whatever the excuse.

So there, i actually decided to have a nice, relaxing night at home; imagining my bedroom in cdo. Well, I got as far as putting on my skimpy pek shorts, scouring the movie discs and deciding on Out Of  Sight, when my phone rang.

“Hehehey!?”

“Hey.” It was Bai. His voice sounded shaky. “Are you alone?”

“Yeah.”

“You going anywhere?”

“Nope.”

“So can we talk?”

“Of course.”

I slankily turned off the tv, flunked into the bed and snuggle into the sheets. I tried to get on with the conversation and i honestly, cannot believe i wished for it to end soon. it’s not that i was sleepy, i don’t know why.

About a half-hour later, He started asking me questions. those that are about Cebu, parties.. i just answered accordingly and there came the Ripley’s questions. I couldn’t believe how he could asked such : The last time i saw him, is there any emotional attachment, the How Could You’s and the likes. I hushed him. And he said it was too unlikely, because i always tell him everything. i sighed. two minutes of downtime.

“We broke up,” he said, finally. His voice started to tremble. ” Don’t let it trouble you. i’m just letting out. this might just be temporary.”

I got up from the bed and sat right infront of the tv, lit a cigarrette and went silent. 

“ If I was there i’d put my arm around you and start rubbing your back. i know you are burrying your face in your hands.”  i said.

When he regained his composure, he told me what had happened. Since the day, She had been getting increasingly paranoid, and not just where I was concerned, either. If he was “too nice” to anyone, she’d accuse him of flirting. She’d check his cell phone to see who had been calling. He suspected she’d been reading his email.

“That’s the thing,” he continued. ” I called you because you know me entirely. It’s just sad that i am no longer getting the comfort i need from you because– Oh, how are you and Rip –”

Then i cut him in.

” we’re talking about you.”

“But we’re friends, and when that whole thing happened, I was faced with the possibility of losing my best girl, you, and it was tough to deal with. I told her that about 100 times, but it never got through.”

We talked until neither of us could get a sentence out without yawning. I got back my pillow and blanket and made him go to bed too, telling him he could talk as long as he needed to. and he just went on. i just listened and kept quiet. then i decided not to talk anymore, so he’d think i’m sleeping.

” bai? are you sleeping na?”

me. silent mode. he hung up.

i sighed for the longest time. then my message tone.

it said : “ You’re still up, i know. I’m sorry. I know you also have issues there. I know you are confused too. Thanks for listening to me though. Naa siya dya bai? Happy ka?”

my reply :

” Still up. Ü nope he’s not here. happy? i will choose to be. goodnight.”

him :

“morning na. hehe. thank you bai.”

My work being a Las Vegas Operations Center agent and the dept.

Work has been very good lately. no lates. no over auxes.

and i am loving every bit of LVOC [formerly : Las Vegas Operation Center turned to Luzon Visayas Operation Center, mugna sa mga yuya! heheh]

but RTA is a killer. i was on meeting for an hour today, and snap first breaks at 5:15p, i took it at 6:40p. imagine the bad minutes. so that’ll be the last of those so-called bad minutes. i have been [or lemme say, the Team] had it for the past few days. 22mins avail time? it’s too good and it’s true. savouring it. but when it queues, it pours. but in the middle of all busy head pieces, stations.. at 1am, it all stop with one click. Log Out button to the rescue.

Then at 1am, there’s still alot left to do. say, Pancit Cantonan [ Cebu Doc area. Preferrably, away from the Silupins] or Flor’s El Garahe biyahe [minus me, it's a strictly no-taliv event] or just plain yosi at the usual downstairs and outside area. or it can be like lastnight, a chill at my place. With Crouching Tiger as background, and Flor’s Stories [ Larus Kamunggay epish of her life, Noel and John chapter, and the Evan almighty now] on the spotlight. Me, Carlo and Jikki attentively nodded, curious of Flor’s next words, learning, advising and feeling every bit of her confession. Oh, yeah, Yves u asked? ishleeping. but the piluka, stayed alive, glued still in her lids! And then came 3:00am on the clock, joksit ang mga yuya, kay mu borlog na.

Then, i was alone. in my air nook. curling into the coldness of the room.

and i’ve come to think it over — i am loving my schedule.

i woke up at 10a, it was raining. slept again. woke up at 12noon.

jump on my feet, insuigida gyud lugar? ni stretch sad ku ui, over! and with the same thing all over, i walked to Carlo’s place and knocked his door like a wrestler, he woke up. then in his room. i found that very thing, that should have prevented me to become a Mom, like i am now. Asia Agcaoili’s endorsement. The I-Forgot-The-Brand Condom. So, si carlo, nitambling pa ganina. nilinug gud pagka buntag. Ü

Then we had our McDonald’s super lunch time! chow chow chow. Then head back home, bath and beauty, now back at work.

no queue, no stress, no pressure. day by day. i am learning to love work. i barely press on the personal button. and on Friday and Saturday, i won’t be pressing the buttons : Aux 2. Aux 7. coz i’m not even logging in. restday kaha. loca.

so much of work department.

love life? yes. still hangin in Cloud 9. but barely pushing more of the grip. someone is troubled. someone is confused. i am bothered.

but i’ll blog when i feel like.

Eventually, he told me he understood.

After two more texts from OTL, I finally called him last night.

 As soon as he answered the phone, I let him have it.

“Why are you still calling me?” I demanded.

 ”I’m sorry,” he said.

I waited for the “here’s why I stood you up” part.

And waited. And then waited some more.

 ”That’s it?” I asked. “No explanation?”

“It’s complicated.”

 ”Actually, it’s not. If you make plans with someone, and something comes up, you call them and let them know, so they don’t sit around waiting for you. It’s pretty simple, really.”

“I couldn’t call.”

“Oh? Were you in a terrible accident?”

“No.”

“Tied up in a basement for ransom money?”

“No.”

“Suffering amnesia?”

“K, no.”

“Then what?!” I asked.

“I told you. It’s complicated.”

“Look,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “your situation and all that, you acted like you were way into me. You invited me out for that weekend. You never called. Three weeks later, you apologize, with no explanation, and ask me to get at you again. I decide to give you a second chance. and then complications. And again, offer no explanation. Why am I even talking to you?”

“Okay,” he sighed.

“i’ll tell you.” And then he gave me this whole sob story about her, who he apparently sees even though they’re broken up [slightly] and they have a kid together. He wanted to break up, she didn’t, and now every time he tries to date or live his life, she throws something at him that he has to deal with, usually involving their kid. He wanted to wait to tell me until we sit face to face, and wants another chance.

“Here’s the thing, bai,” I said, after letting all of what he’d just said sink in. “That is definitely an info that you should be upfront about. And not to judge, but I don’t even think you should be dating while you’re dealing with all of that. And I’m sorry, but it’s too much for me to take on when I don’t even know what to do with you.”

“Just one talk day, K?,” he pleaded. “Just let me see you.”

“I’m sorry, but no. And please stop calling, and texting. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’re no longer seeing the mother of your kid legally, and she’s not trying to sabotage your love life, then by all means call me. Until then, though, I don’t really want any part of it.”

Eventually, he told me he understood.

And out of morbid curiosity, I decided to check out his MySpace profile one last time.

This profile is set to private. This user must add you as a friend to see his/her profile.

Oh well. Probably for the best, anyway. Later, OTL.

but he never never stops. and i know me.  in the cold nights i tend to curl.

 Ripley’s? why can’t you feel that i need you now? =(

?’s

Lately, i have been asking myself :

Is he worth it?

We’ve crossed the border line of friendship and lovers-to-be [or sortuv], is it not right?

Have we done wrong?

Does not “knowing” really does not hurt?

Am i really into him?

Does he think the same way?

Why is he doing this?

I know i will be perfectly fine without him, but when do i start it?

Will he be fine without me?

Is he a push-over or do i just get what i want?

What did he mean when he said “why didn’t you help me?” when he was drunk?

Unconciously, he kissed my hands and he loved it when i hugged him, what was that?

Did it mean anything, subconciously speaking?

Is he in a limbo, too?

so maybe he’s not. or maybe he is.

but those are just questions. they don’t need to be answered by anyone. not even him.

i don’t even have to ask those to myself.

*banging head on the wall*

i don’t have have to care like he doesn’t even care.

PS :

OTL has been so so so sweet. i can spell it in my heart.