♥ing Pump

BLAST! lastnight.

ahlavett! i slept in the afternoon after the daily routine and a bit of chitchat with Abby at Roma Mia.

woke up at 1am. had more than a few missed calls, and messages from the girls. It’s Abby’s last night in cebu, and yes, they started the party already while my ass was under the sheets. i’m like so shleeepling!

so LucKing messaged that she’s gonna drop and pick me up. so up on my toes, shower and make-up, dress up. i was ready after 30minutes. then off to the disco.

at the park lot? hmm.. the spider.

Daryll Kokey, din’t notice my arrival. so much of the spotlight. but his eyes widened when he knew it was me. hahaha. on the way, PJ also thought i was one hellava comebacker from the snowlands! hahaha. yes, the earings were huge and hey, the eversu wigaloo topped me! of course course, the beauty.. sizzle! tang ina i lurv the night life! wootiness!!!

Click Click Click for me, dujie, jaquie, abby and lucky!

VERY click for Dan. and PJ and Daryl.  =)

A night of full cast Cdo reprezant.. and Germany? hmm.. Veeerrry Dan. =)

I saw spiderman slash wga. hehehe. he lost weight, or my eyes just grew bigger. hahaha. had a li’l chat with his cousin, hmm, or amigo, Jed. but anyway, i dooshed back to the troop. i’ll blog about this portion when i feel like it.

hmm? what? how did it feel? nuthin. it’s like seeing a long lost friend. hmm, did i just type in the word friend?.. hmm. yeah whatevrsu.

so hey back to my friends. we were totally there, at the beat of every effin song! we were like — hmmm, can’t explain. and the beer, i was catchin up, daryll was like, always giving his ok-it’s-ur-turn-AGAIN-coz-your-hands-can-find-the-glass-even-before-i-get-to-think-who’s-shot-it-is-now look. hahaha. i was acing up, they had there rounds of the early reebeca at paseo already!

My phone? going empty. but before it drained, Lucky turned it off!

murag bawal siguro mag text didtu. hahaha

It was an e-e-ecstatic night!

Saw Elton after 72years, haha, kidding.

and also Az [ey zee] ..

It was one hellava partyness..

Troop ♥s Pump. so Cebu.

SMS exchange sept 24.

SMS conversation with OTL

Sept. 24, 2007

OTL/GFGguy : dugai pa man ka bai.

ME                     : ah sus, October is near na, next week na nah kayh! then mid October i’m there na ok?

OTL/GFGguy : kapui hulat..Ü uli nalang unta kaÜ

ME                     : c’mon.. i still have ballet here pa, and napa kui mga buhatun. i’ll be there next month lagi.

OTL/GFGguy : hali na baÜ

ME                     : if only i could run from priorities here, i will. if only i had the guts. i am not attending

                              my cousins burial gani.  kabalu naka nganu dibah? i promise October is October. duol na.

                              next thing you’ll know, i’m there.

OTL/GFGguy : di nuon ko kahulat bai, dugai pa au.makawala ug ganaÜ hahaÜ

ME                     : bai, next week October na.                             

OTL/GFGguy : lakaw nlng 2nyt bai..

ME                     : aha ku mu adtu?

OTL/GFGguy : anhi cdo ba..

ME                     : hahaha. i’ll be there. juts let the days pass gud. next thing you’ll know, naa naku dya. ok?

                              i want to see you too. sa bukid nalang siguro. cdo, too crowded.

OTL/GFGguy : K.

Do i really have priorities to ace up here? or am i chicken? i have ballet. OTL shouldv’e won the conversation, i should’ve bought the ticket home after his first message, if..

the IF.

it can never be zoomed out even by the most powerful virtual Reality Eraser.

i’m still weighing things. i know it’ll end up that, going home would be alot heavier that anything cebu could offer. i’s be here to stay anyway, so he deserves a visit. =)

i prolly am bitter. i need a sweet head to lean on.

katharine and me.. we’re over it.

I’m over your lies - the pool of lies, never really drowned me,you’re wrong.
and I’m over your games. – yes, game of pretense, it’s hilarious.
I’m over you asking me
When you know I’m not okay. – because after all the limbo, i have stood back up.
You call me and I…
And I pick up the phone.- you text and i read as fast as lightning
And though you’ve been telling me, I know you’re not alone. – i knew, but i was blinded, i chose to be, but now no more.

Oh and that’s why

Your eyes… I’m over it. - ha! hell yeah.
You’re smile… I’m over it. – it’s though i never remember it
Realized… I’m over it, I’m over it, I’m over… – like you were just a daydream back kindergarten.

Wanting you to be wanting me. - before
No, that ain’t no way to be. – so no not anymore.
How I feel.
Read my lips.
Because I’m so over… – O.V.E.R
(I’m sorry)

Moving on
It is my time.
You never were a friend of mine. – a fake one perhaps?
Hurt at first a little bit – what hurt? oh yeah, maybe a bit but i forgot about it.
But now I’m so over
So over it.
I’m so over it…- so so so!

The fight.

One thing I am sure of is when someone goes away, someone will come. No one left, no one went away from me. It is a silent fight. He is not a boyfriend, he is not a husband and definitely he is not some cockroach. He is a friend and I do not intend to elaborate what that word means at all, specifically to this person. And it is with tremendous sadness that I have become so numb and was taken over by much hatred, because of utter confusion. Fugly information overload from the concerned friends [or are they really concerned? or they just want to make things complicated? Or they just don’t have anything to do? That I ask.] are totally distracting me from my everyday life, of finally having to be out of the headcount of his girls department. Some indifferences and misunderstanding led us far from whatever there was, it was ok too, but the good memories, even if they deserve to be buried, are kept unconsciously thought of, every single day. Whether it was my fault or his or somebody else’s, I will still treasure him as a friend. Friends fight. And this must be it.

  

How do you resolve conflicts amicably with a friend? Well, assuming you do not have irreconcilable differences, you can still walk away undamaged and your friendship intact by using “friendly fighting” language and choosing your timing appropriately, in which I believed I practiced. There is no way for two people to talk over some issues if one is not willing yet. It would not be possible too, if the other one cannot understand that and brand the other as scared, because that will lead to another aggression. Both should take time to just savor life without each other, take time to see what is outside of being too preoccupied. Get to work seriously or sleep as your body desires. While in a fight, grab the chance to take a breather, so the mind rests from the toxicity of the friendship. . There’s problem solving for issues that arise when maybe the other person has to work a different set-up unexpectedly and you’re suddenly faced with an issue around guilt, jealousy and pride, so you have to figure out what you can do next time to avoid instant panics. This would be an example of a “solvable problem”.

  In fact, most problems can be solved. But what gets in the way is what we call “gridlock” — when either party is willing to give any ground to meet in the middle. Then you have what is called a “perpetual problem” within the relationship which lingers in one form or another. Surprisingly, this too is normal in many relationships. It, interesting to note, however, that a certain problem two people easily solves may turn into gridlock and may turn into a threat of loosing the openness, loosing trust and beating each others ego. 

The solution and the togetherness, will never be again visible if each is not calm and if one has not finally accepted the existence of the fight itself. But always keep in mind the old saying, never make a decision when you’re mad, it usually results to shit. You can vent out, you can shout and you can cry but never entertain the bad thoughts that over run you mind. 

If you know your friend is unlikely to ever change in a certain area, maybe you have to decide to accept his idiosyncrasy and start focusing on strengths he has in other areas. Otherwise, one will have to live with continued resentment and the reality that this problem will again come back. And if one does not know how to let go of it, it would fuel to more arguments in the future and even more barriers.  So, if you have an issue that seems to be played out over and over again, you may want to take some time out and decide whether it may just be part of your friend’s personality.  

Peaceful actions are actions that support your own highest good without harming your friend. It will take time, but it will come. Do not again, force someone to face up to you and acknowledge the core reason of the downfall as hers.  

Fighting is healthy, you get to know how much you can be as an individual. And you get to see how each will save the friendship. Fighting makes the bonding stronger. It brings two people to get to know the other more than the smiles and the beers. Fighting gets healthy if it is savored and not taken for granted. It must be understood and must be given some time. So each one gets a clear view of everything in time of confrontation. 

Present fights does not need to be a payback for past efforts. Fights are supposed to be recognized as a challenge for the coming days. You don’t look back because there is a fight, you don’t start counting things, to be at the winning step for the fight.  

You take time to think, so the readiness to resolve the issue will fasten,You don’t take time to find a hole back in the past and say you’ve done this and that because in one way or another, you know that is not the issue.     

bogus blog.

BLOG ERRATUM :

i apologize for this post. i was entwined with a bluff.

Kudos to my bedtime hero

scratch my back softly. pekpek my butt cheeks. turn the iPod to another music. embrace me when i feel cold. hug me anytime. bring me to slumber. wake me up around 4am.. walk me to work, see you later.

My schedule adherence is at it’s A. Not for a minute,a sec, or a mili-sec, never been late again.

Kudos to? a friend. introduced by someone not worth mentioning. but thanks, anyway *asshole.

This is not ordinary.

not platonic, not intimate.

Whatever it is goin on, it’s a question i do not wanna ask myself.

to good to cherish. too real. too “us” in a different kinna way.

pak to the shet. pakshet.

June 17th, 2007 Posted by keekit | dot dot dot | | 2 Comments

Krispy Monday

today is Monday. and it don’t suck.

i had Krispy Kreme! =)

donuts i lurv donuts!

i’m a cop. or hmmm, i just spoke to a cop?i am the criminal who wants donuts… hahaha

lablab Krispy Kreme!  

a bit of Replica at 6a. sunday!

While at a good night out you pull the trigger without knowing it was loaded and have two bullets make it’s way to two uninvited holes in someone else’s gate and get in some police office two hours after could be memorable. It is harummph ha. i peed the cases of beer down the toilet bowl like a 1year old baby in his diapers. i had an instant fever. and the headache came in 5 mins after. it was like i swallowed the beast of burden, and not knowing how to poop it out. so that will remain that. booze nightmare come to action. and that’s it, closing it for a bit of what we call privacy?we’re still fixing the li’l unintentional mess,so back to that when it’s good.

few hours after, i found myself up for shower. shampooing, a li’l bit of singing. just normal.

the only thing odd [or is it odd?] is that i din’t get a shut-eye.not even a wink? and i’m all set to face the day. sunday. with what? i’m not busy.

the next hour? i was sitting infront of Replica at Tsi Fyush.

what about it? hmmm.. he’s sick. i mean, he has fever i think, i’m not sure, but he’s not feeling good. and he’s off for the day. i could be off forever. *harhar myself*.

ain’t it just amazing? i mean, not his fever. the idea of havin such a bad ass evening or dawn and then seeing the sun shine bright after it? plus your crush infrana you? too close that i could see his scalp. exag. he was eating. had my early food , so i was just smoking. it was sort of like another scene brought from the beautiful past back in the bukidness, at the breakfast nook. y’know whattai mean. and i choose not to talk about it. whatever is here today, is here today. it’s good to reminisce but not too much. so i’m good there.

It’s stupendous. i saw him like a year ago. twice. first, on the way  to the carwash. i was at the backseat of the car looking out, and then i see this man behind the wheel of the car right next. As we enter the carwash, i wanted to open the windows and tell him he needs a carwash too, so my sightseeing becomes a festival. but i din’t have to do that. to the left,too, he went. i was ecstatic! then there, with his thick bloody book. that must be one of those law books, i thought,and i wrong. Next, at some grill place near the hospital. he was there. that’s all i remember. the same him, minus the bloody book.

then earlier, this morning? our knees were just inches away from each other mother earth! but it’s no longer the kilig-bring-out-the-pompoms-and-start-wagging-it kinna thingie, or the i-can-buttspell-thug-thug-like-what-my-heart-says mode, like i was expecting. it was just normal. it was talkin to a friend. hmm ye, he became a friend. couldn’t ask for more? that’s a question right there. *puffing out the smoke in my mouth like a dragon and smirk*

it’s funny how i have recovered from some sudden Ripley’s-Gotta-be-Ditched sitch so fast, i mean, i din’t have to think it over and again and again like i used to, and the boohoo part? i always ended up sighing back at him. now? it was easier. and it’s funny. it’s my time now, probably. and i no longer have this, usual post goodbye-my-he-bitch drama that “some certain street, locations, even times of day are off-limits. the city becomes a deserted battlefield, loaded with emotional landmines. you have to be very careful where you step or you could be blown to pieces” thing. not anymore. i am basically, everywhere. shaving my face off to where we exactly were sitting before, without even him crossing my mind. i just realized.

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross. that’s a quote and quote. but for me, there ain’t dangerous lines to cross now. i guess, i have grown.. or have i gone so tired of suffering bits of pain. who doesn’t?another quote and quote coming up ..

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

I have stopped.

and it feels so good now.

it felt so good sitting there earlier

with Replica.

it was the daydream i had way back a year ago, at the backseat of the car while i was staring at him.

so it proves it. some bad things happen in a very unexpected time,

and so does good ones. and that’s what keeps us going.

it ain’t any given sunday for me. it is my Sept. 16, with scribblings of smileys on the side in my mystic calendar.

[hehe hi eych. eseh pina hi pa!] haha.

R for Ripley’s and H for Replica!!

So it’s been like how many days since I last had my fingers to blogging? Less than a week. I actually just wanted to get the anger out of my system. Well, has it gone buh-bye? Nope. I have been enjoying the luxury of not-texting-him-slash-or-not-replying-slash-or-not-waiting-and-wanting-for-a-reply from Mr. Ripley’s [believe it or not, he appears very angelic but, hey, he’s not all that. And I want to scream out eggs! Boiled ones!]. 

 Then came this SMS from a good source that he has been telling them that

“Naibug ko niya, he didn’t know why I reacted that way that night daw” [translation : I dig him a lot! ….]

I went speechles for an hour. No exag!So, my hardcore fingers goes tick tock my hardcore keypads of my hardcore phone : “ Naibug ku nimu? That’s what you tell them? Tsk tsk tsk.” [trans: me liking you? That’s what you tell people? Tsk tsk ]

Message sent. To Ripley’s.

No reply.Then goes my ..“giignan pud unta nimu nga gusto tika pakaslan, so they’d laugh more. Unsa ba sad ka.” .” [trans: you shoud’ve told them I wanted to marry you too so they’d laugh more. What’s with you?--> that’s supposedly sarcastic ok?]

*cellphone standard beep signals his reply*

“la ko ga sulti ana.” [trans: I did not say that.]

Me then goes ..“ Ows?ok. pero kung nakai plano muingun bah, igna ha nga gusto pud tika pakaslan, para bibo. Nya itext dayun ku para apil ku magkatawa.” [trans: really now? Ok. But if you have plans on telling them don’t forget to include that I wanted to marry, so it would be fun. Then text me too, so I’d laugh as well.]

And him..“hahay” [trans: huhum]

Me..“ayaw kuy hahay hahayi dya.wa ku malingaw. [trans: don’t just huhum there it’s not funny]

Him..“na unsa man ka kit?” [trans: what happened to you, kit?]

Me..“Naglagut ku kay niingun ka nga naibug ku nimu.” [trans: furious. That you had to say I dig you?]

Him..“La lagi ko ga storya ana. Minaw pud ka dayn.” [trans:I did not say that. Why do you have to believe so easily.]

Finally, my..“ah mubah..” [trans: oh really?...]

End of SMSing..with Ripley’s. 

Is there still a bit inch of believing in him?after all? I don’t think so. I just prolly got to this point where I no longer linger to the idea that he was there for me all the time, or I just thought so. And I finally had to doosh the trust. I thought it wasn’t possible. Because..i dunno why, but I thought it wasn’t. but yes, they were right, some things or some feelings, may it be special or not, can fall off. And sometimes, it’s just one heck ova blessing. I no longer hate. But I still question. Prolly not angry anymore, but just numb/er.  I feel sad, a bit of it, but I no longer entertain it. It wouldn’t be healthy. I always stick to what I wanted to do. But in this case, I have to learn to listen to others. Doing something new couldn’t be bad at all. I should’ve known earlier. But now isn’t a bad time anyway. Not at all.

 My sleepyhead back in the sheets.

*another standard beep signals another message*

My mind said it can’t be him again!

It wasn’t.It was Harold. The OTL/GFGguy replica.

Oh that’s cute, I’ll a.k.a him Replica!

We were just texting and it was fun. He’s a nurse. He’s busy with his thesis. And his business. He’s actually not the total replica, since educational attainment wise, Replica is way better than OTL/GFGguy.i’m not comparing, but yes, that’s a fact. But physically, I can’t stand it, I think they weigh the same? hahaha. And the charm, it’s just magical. Stop. It’s so high school drama, crush crush.. hahaha! But hey, he’s nice.He’s friendly, and upfront, as far as the getting-to-know-you went.He said a girl was asking him out for booze at her place and not just booze for that instance.. but he refused and played poker with his friends instead.

Good guy huh?.. 

If it was Ripley’s, he wouldn’t even sweat replyin to that girl. He’d be at her doorstep after the minute he processed the message in his coco.           
 

you are the worst!

it was a major Guy Dysfunction the whole time, but i was blinded. now, it has come to an end. i cannot disgust myself  more as much as i disgust him now. the only person i thought was with me, is the person who has been away and wandering the entire time. i did not exist in his world when he was the closest one i could think of next to opening my eyes in the morning and closing it at night. i felt less for more than a minute that saturday morning, but i realized, i have not done wrong, i only kept believing and trusting. F*CK YOU  EYHOLE. they were right. so right, that i could puke all your kisses back and cut myself into half so no memories of you will remain!

I do not care less about you anymore. the glass is indeed full. i cannot even believe myself feeling nothing, feeling blank, feeling finally at peace with the arguement of doubting messing through my mind. i chose not to doubt, i closed my ears, i kept things blurry at sight and i have the consequence right in my face at the most unexpected time. you kept your cool while i was boiling. you stood as i sank in awe of dismay. you cracked me like some egg in the hen’s butt. but you claimed not guilty. you point things at me. i am bad. i am evil. i am ridiculous. i shout and i nag. i am spoiled. i am a brat. i am all you wanted to hate. and i know you can deal with it because WHATEVER YOU SEE IN ME WAS WHAT YOU MADE ME.

if i am bad, then that’s the reason why there is worst. that’s you.

as much as i wanted to cry and not believe i could say all these towards you, i cannot do it anymore. i force to stay weak, like i used to when it comes to you, it just gives up by itself. you placed me back in the pit where you picked me up. but it ain’t as dark as it is before, it is a safer pit now, with sturdier thoughts and rightful decisions.

if  life was all about sex, then i might have just tasted an inch bit of it. i wanted to say and put sorry after that phrase, but my hands ain’t capable of scribbling it. my hands gave up on those words too, specially when it goes for you.

it’s just sad that i am no longer the vulnerable me when i hear your name. now it’s disgusting to think back all those things. it’s disgusting yet very entertaining, it humors me. it’s funny, and i can just laugh at it for two hours without sighing.

i honestly say this is not the real me that is writing this very bloody words and hits, it is the me that you made.

i have learned that we all get fed up. it came to me. i’m thankful enough.

sometimes, it’s just enough.

i am now your Believe it or Not.

change my name on your phonebook, Ripley’s suits best. =)