cdo : day 1 .. pain

What is the face of pain?  It is the stranger in the eyes you used to know, the ones that once looked at you–not through you–the way they do now.  The face of pain is a robber.  It takes away relationships and makes the ease that you once had, the familiarity, something that has to be earned again–something you have to work for–and it does not come easily.  So many become the new easily won friends, pushing you out–every four hours–crushed or whole?  Is it time yet?  Truly, the givers and the caretakers are all that matter now; you are superfluous—gift-wrapping in a world where presents can only be looked at–because no one has the strength to open them.

On a good day, pain waits patiently, yet arrogantly, and sits like an obtrusive houseguest, merely stopping by on its journey to its next destination, or perhaps it might stay just one more night, never asking your permission, but staying just the same. 

Pain—a four-letter word—a signal that something is wrong.  What happens when pain becomes all that is wrong and nothing that is right?  Its force is so strong that it has the ability to change the character of life into the hope of joy in death; those of us who are merely the observers of the pain sufferers are left to “suffer” the fringes of pain’s wrath.  How powerful is this force of life that emanates from our own bodies, and yet is transferable to all those who seek to eliminate it in our midst?  Comfort—the respite of pain.

In the days when those we love fight the pain as their last battleground here on earth, we too must fight to remember that it is our time to become warriors as well.  We may stand by their bedsides and not be recognized.  We may stroke their brows in comfort, and be yelled at to stop because we are bothering them.  It is possible that no matter how hard we try, there may not be a way to alleviate the worst parts of pain, for a moment, until the shot helps—until then, we can only talk softly and say, “It’s ok. The medicine will work in just a few minutes.” We can try to say it in between our tears.  And most of all we can just be there, because even if death is eminent, and you assume that the patient may not be aware that you are there—be aware—hearing is the last thing to go. So Listen—they know.

Therefore, if you think you cannot stand the pain, and you are tired of the strain of watching the face of someone who does not know you—remember you must always be able to know the face in the mirror—the one that God knows.  There is so much life left in dying.

cdo : day 1 .. letting go.

How do we find the courage to always be true to ourselves—even if we are unsure of where we are? and what we want? or on what people would want for us?we all create our own reality and become the victim of that reality, i might have rebelled against that — and i am indeed paying a high price.

i was probably used  and manipulated. with no consideration for my feelings. he was there and he made me pass on the secret mystery,awakening the the unknown energy that we all posses.

i am a women who is currently here but lived in the exterior of my past,and making no secret of the fact either. am i paying a price? yes. i should have not if i had repressed my natural exuberance. i would have been bitter, frustrated, always concerned about ‘what others might think’ always saying ‘ i’ll just sort these things out’, then i’ll devote myself to my dream, always complaining ‘that the conditions are never quite right’.

Everything has its reason for being. we need only distinguish the temporary from the lasting: the unavoidable is temporary; the lessons of the unavoidable are lasting. To what extent does this apply to everyday life? Has the complexity of late century existence rendered this advice obsolete? Or has the essential truth of this observation remained valid for thousands of years?

what is permanent? only change. but why do we sometimes look back?Maybe, like me, i lost track of this special person while i was away looking for answers, and the insights faded, and the world seemed colder. Wouldn’t you like to see that person again, ask the bigger questions that still haunt you, receive wisdom for your busy life today the way you once did when you were younger?

i gave myself that second chance. i had to come back to the core. to the reason why i was in this unfamiliar place, to this very puzzling cove. Knowing he was settled,i visited him once, just like an ordinary visit. our rekindled relationship turned into one final “talk“: lessons in how to live. there was great clarity in it that i let out a big breathe after finishing up the last puff halfway to the end of my cig, finally the man who sneaked up and grabbed my heart gave it back. there was lessons of letting go. even if malice was deserted, i never attempted to even to touch his hand. our conversation has to end just like the special relationship did.

i step out with a very feather-like feeling.

Shouldn’t the world stop? Don’t they know what happened to me?

But the world did not stop. i weakly grabbed the car door. and when i flopped in the seat, i felt the weight of myself again. the feather-like feeling has eloped with the closure of the beautiful past.

then i found myself on the way back home & back to what you call now. what about now? what about Cebu? what about.. i thought.

Am i ready to get back to the almost soon-to-be-beautiful story of now? or a little chill at

Lonely Island?

What’s wrong with staying on Lonely Island?  There are those who have been stranded on Lonely Island that have created some of the greatest works.  Emily Dickinson, considered one of the loneliest poets, wrote a poem a day.  And Virginia Woolf, a lonely and clinically depressed writer, wrote several monumental works.  Would it be such a bad idea to explore Lonely Island a bit?  If you’re already there, you might as well see the sights.  Take the time to go into the inner jungle on the island.  You might discover a few hidden treasures, while you’re there.  But don’t stay too long because the island has a way of getting to people.

Lonely Island it is.

i have rushed the days that it turned into months without me noticing it. i have cut loose on the grip to life. it took me pain to realise that there is something that must be done back here for me to fully accept and understand the present. i have overcome the greatest fear. the “talk“. i will not try to justify any bulls*it, but now i know,something can bloom out of the ashes in life.